I am finding more and more that the world is trying to get the best of me. When I focus on the things that are the most important to me, life feels seamless and easy. Lately, the buses, cars, strangers and even the people closest to me have been driving me ‘crazy.’ Everyone has been in my way, looking at me crossly, and I have been feeling disinterested in things that may have at one time interested me. It is hard. I do not chalk it up to depression, but it is simply my reactions to the breakdowns of everyday life. Frustrations with my partner, my messy house, too much to do, too many people to call, and not enough time to answer every e-mail. I often wonder if I expect too much of myself. I am tired. I need to bring the pace down a bit and look within again. I need to ask myself, “What is the rush? Why are you so damn hard on yourself? Why are you taking so much on?"
I am a people pleaser and this means doing things for others when it may not be in my own best mental health interests. I feel an obligation to show up for other people, so why don’t I do this for myself with similar conviction? I feel like I am shoveling 'stuff' in the back of my mind, not honoring those things that I truly want to do such as spend time with my spiritual self and write my book. Every day the calendar block gets removed for these things and it is time to stop! I need to stop the clutter in my brain FIRST and it is only then that I will be able to tackle the task or organizing and cleaning my house. It is cliché but I need some balance in my life. I feel the state of things around me such as my dirty house is echoing what is going on in my mind. Sleep is the only thing that makes me feel at peace, and although a good nap once in a while is healthy, sleeping for the reason of avoidance is not. I feel I barely have time to dedicate to good routine sleep these days. I find myself getting up too early and going to bed too late. It is time to force my body to stay in a rhythm so I can feel optimal for what each day brings. It is truly up to me and the choices I make.
This is not a blog for advice as I often get tired of giving advice on every mental health topic and it is more about where I am at right now. Writing this has given me some perspective and knowing that I can find a way to juggle the everyday breakdowns of life soothes me. I have many tools that I have been using, but could use more. On to another day and I know tomorrow will be much more manageable.