Wow! Talk about drawing a blank and my motivation is about as active as a…I don't even know how to describe it! I feel like there is this empty hole inside of me and a certain kind of restlessness that haunts me and nothing I do feels like I am being satisfied. I have been doing some research and I found out that this can actually be a side effect of this new medication that I am on. Restlessness is one of the common side effects of Abilify. What restlessness means is that you can't sit down, can't settle down to do anything, but you have an inner urge to keep moving, in my case to sit for some time at the computer, then move to the TV, then have a bike ride, then have something to eat in a manner that I never feel satisfied! Then there are days where I feel so tired, bored and in a serious withdrawing rut, to the point where nothing is satisfying and everything feels like falling into one dark hole after another. I applaude myself for the two bike rides I have taken though…this is a rarity. As you can tell my writing abilities have subsided slightly and sleep is a curse as I am unable to have any real deep sleep without induced medication. I just want my normal life back when I was working and I am starting to feel resentful about not being able to partake in the work force. I still have those 'acid' type feelings that I described in my previous blog and if an episode were to happen at work that would be devastating. I just don't feel sure of myself and the anxiety is daunting that I can barely sit still at a dinner party or lunch with a friend without catching myself holding my breath waiting for the next spell. I hate writing down what is going on with me as I often feel like I am complaining…my friends calling it sharing.
In our fast-paced, technology-driven world, finding peace and calm sometimes feels like a distant goal. The demands of everyday life, from work to personal responsibilities,