In life there are twists and turns, and even burn outs. I often feel my emotions running rampant, so far to the point that I can’t control the reactions within my body. I experienced an extreme manic episode the other night. I was tremendously upset over something in particular and found my mind racing. My thoughts were winding round and round as if there was a horse running a track in my brain. As I lay on the couch experiencing the night’s events over and over, I felt sick to my stomach, like pain stabbing, gut wrenching anxiety eating my guts. Everyone has their own ‘triggers’ and mine stays close to events that take place with loved ones such as a partner, friends and family. I actually stared at the fire until 7AM and took 4X the amount of anti-anxiety medication that I am generally allowed. My mania gets so intense that even the strongest medication ceases to work. It reminded me of the time that I walked the psych hospital hallway for what felt like days and my eyes were metaphorically stapled "open".
There are also the times when I have to ‘leave’. When I say ‘I have to go now!’ I absolutely mean I have to go now! The other day I was at a friend’s and I had worked an afternoon shift and I had walked in the rain for 40 minutes to get to her home. Although relieved to arrive, I could feel my body resisting my want to socialize and be awake. It is often difficult in a social situation with a group of friends, especially ones that drink, to not feel like the ‘Debbie Downer’ when you have to leave. I have learned how important it is to educate my friends about my illness and how sleep regulation is vital to my well being; now they know too.
I am actually going through a time of great loss right now and hope that the New Year will bring some much needed optimism. I am also jumping hurdles with my illness during this time and I am so grateful for a work place that is so understanding and others who are there for me.
Much Love, Babe