It really just hit me tonight. My best friend asks 'Are you excited about going to the 'Evening to Inspire Event' at the Empress on Tuesday evening?' I realized I wasn't, not at all. This was only a night of amazing speakers, good friends and I failed to make it to the mall twice this weekend to buy a new dress, something amazing for several occasions including the night of our big kick Bipolar Babe Benefit: Hair Show and Art Gala. I 'should' be ectastic and gleaming with joy but now that I really think about it I don't remember the last time that I have even felt truly happy. Once, two, three weeks ago? It seems time has been running through clocks holding no significance in my life. I barely get out of bed for work and if I do I am spaced and yawning the entire day uninterested and bored. I never even realized what has been going on until a new friend said 'You have a voice, what are you going to say about those government cutbacks?' I kinda laughed. If I first could find my way out of bed at a decent hour, then maybe then the legislative steps!! Yes! That is the answer! 🙁 I then considered it to be a cop-out, no matter how true it felt. Funny thing is I remember feeling shiny and not being irritated by my friends so easily. I like to find the lighter things in life and just laugh A LOT, I haven't been doing that AT ALL! My step-father called and said he was worried as I have been telling him how flatlined I feel or depressed or whatever…I was shocked, 'why would he worry about me?' He has my mother to worry about in the pysch ward in Kamloops, why in the heck would I be of concern? I get now that it is because he loves me. I better call him back. So much of what was fun has become work and even annoying at times. Everything has suddenly become so huge and I have 1% of the energy to do all of it. I thought I was being lazy, as there is some one in my life that fails to even recognize that I have a mood disorder, and now I realize I have been on side with that person as of late. What to do? Bipolar Babe-grab your pom poms, join a squad and lead a team to victory!! Here I am ready to cheer my way out of the depressed flatline zone-NOT!! I just feel like continuing to hide in my cozy basement suite, hang out in my pjs and stuff my face with bits and bites and whole wheat tortellini (it is easy to make). I wonder about making my lunch and I tell myself I will do it tomorrow, and I know I won't because I will get up late and barely make it to work let alone be prepared and fresh to go. 'Just do it!' 'Snap out of it!' 'Come on!' Now I see why I get so annoyed when others react this way to people with a mental illness and here I am playing this out in my own life. If I find the energy to spell check this blog, then I will consider to have achieved some sort of accomplishment for the day. The phone call I just made was to my pysch nurse who will consult my doctor about a medication adjustment. I am feeling relieved that I have decided to take some action around it. A simple phone call is all I can really do right now and I swear I will throttle anybody who says 'Go for a walk! Meditate! Exercise!' I sometimes offer such advice and the painstaking truth is I bet it would help, but my will to do any of it rests in the gaze of my television screen, which is something that I never have the time to watch up until late. Now it feels as familiar as a live in boyfriend. Flatlined eh? Well what can I say, I am not dead, but hey 'I feel like it!' Will I be ok? Definitely, I really did not recognize my flatline up until now, so I will eventually move on to bring myself back to life. Stay tuned… Bipolar Babe
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