Commit to Enjoyment!
Even though my life is amazing there are still lingering health related thoughts that tend to swell my mind in an overwhelming manner. I have been experiencing twitching in my fingers, but the neurologist tells me that there is no strength depletion in my right hand and attributes this strangeness to my medication. I have an enlarged thyroid, however, I have had a clean ultrasound and levels in my blood tests are normal. I wonder how large my thyroid will grow and when will it finally be a problem. Lithium has been associated with hypothyroidism but strangely enough it looks as if my thyroid is heading the opposite way into hyper mode. It is scary enough that my hair is continuously falling out and my skin is always battling a myriad of acne scars. To add to this, bipolar symptoms have been creeping up on me too lately, having a high feeling that invokes an experience of being extremely stoned. It is difficult to describe as my vision doubles, I experience feelings of paranoia that tend to cloud reality. I first started experiencing these symptoms when I was put on psychiatric medication with spells covering months at a time, but now it seems I am often sick and there is nothing I can do but take another pill in hopes that the paranoia and sickness will cease. How I envy those people that live healthy lives, that have their bodies intact and don’t have to worry about medication or being struck with illness over and over again. Everyone thinks my life is awesome and worry-free but even bipolar babe is at a loss sometimes, feeling frustrated and let down by my body’s ailments. How to spin to the positive? I suppose it could be worse, but it still does not minimize what I am feeling. I admit our bodies are meant to deteriorate, but I am 35 years old, so why so early? Questions plague my mind aiming to erase the ‘poor me’ syndrome, and remembering that having an optimistic outlook can spell either enjoyment of the time I do have, or loathing in what I am experiencing. I worry but I just have to keep reminding myself that I commit to enjoyment!